Over the weekend I found myself in the middle of a debate, and to put things in perspective – my natural tendency is not exactly to listen first, speak second :) but instead to immediately formulate a come back argument in my head before the other person is even finished speaking!
But because the topic was parenting and because I just met these people (therefore could not hop upon my high horse and ride away!) I decided to actually listen to and consider their opinion.
Of course, this post will be completely biased to my own opinion – Independence – which I hope you will all vote the winner so I can politely email them the link to this post. LOL! (Just kidding for those of you that are still getting to know me)
The Heated Debate
Okay, so here it is, we were sitting around talking when of course they politely asked what I do for a living – “I write a blog on parenting.” This response always confuses people, but we made it through the confusing part and the conversation eventually led to children and particularly this question:
“What is the most important trait that we can teach/instill in our children?”
My response was of course “Happiness” but they said no, you can’t teach happiness. And I said yes you can, they said no you can’t… yes you can – no you can’t – you get the idea… So then I had to really think hard for a trait that I think is important and they would think is teachable, and I said “Independence.”
So, I chose this answer for a number of reasons, the main ones being:
- I am an Aquarius, and anywhere you look you will see that Independence is always one of the 1st traits listed about my beloved sun sign. (We are friendly and humanitarian too – I know it’s a weird combo and there’s a long standing joke in my family that we Aquarians love humanity, but don’t really like people :)
- I grew up with a single mom, and learned early how to take care of myself. I prize my independence and self sufficiency.
- I don’t really want my kids living with me when they are 25!
Ok, here is where the conversation gets really interesting because the next response was:
‘Good Manners’
“Huh?” Now, I am all for good manners, I think they are important and I believe every parent should teach their child how to be a Class Act. But the most important??
“Okay” I thought as I took a deep breath and swallowed my need to refute – let’s hear what the 3rd entry will be…
‘Hard Work’
“Seriously?” I thought… What about working smart and ingenuity and thinking outside the box?? But again, I realized I was not going to learn anything new (or make any new friends!) by judging these people and the traits they found important. After all, I really do agree with both of them. I think our society in general has become lazy, entitled and lost even the most basic manners of courtesy and respect.
One Man’s Meat, Another Man’s Poison
At the end of the day, here is what I took away from the conversation: We all have our own ideas about what traits and characteristics we want to instill in our children. These differences be seen also from a cultural level, with countries like Japan placing values on their Respect for Tradition and countries like the US favoring Freedom and you guessed it – Independence.
So here is my question to all of you:
With the rapidly changing world, technological advancements and the creation of a global society, what characteristics and traits do you think are most important for us to teach our children?
I am really interested to see what you all have to say! Thanks again for reading and for leaving your 2 cents below!
Have a great day.
Melissa :)
Hi Melissa, I like your blog and am especially interested in this debate.
First and foremost children should be taught to LOVE, RESPECT and VALUE themselves. They should know that their opinions count and they can make effective change in their immediate world and the world at large.
Hands down, I believe that children should be taught to be social with others. For me that includes manners and being polite to their fellow humans everywhere. The act/art of graceful social interaction is quickly fading along with the handwritten note. How many brilliant people have you come across in the world who were social lepers? How many co-workers or bosses have made your world insane because they lacked the ability to recognize socially accepted boundaries and stick to them?
Finally, children should be taught stick-with-it-ness. Today people give up so quickly. they hear no and they accept that. I’d like my children to try again and again with creative and different attempts.
Peace. Love Light.
I think that the most valuable trait (skill!) we can help our children develop is that of “hearing” and trusting their own intuition. This is an invaluable skill that will lead them forever in the direction they want to go. It will also lend itself to Independence, Love, and Respect. As well as Hard Work and Stick-with-it-ness where it is really worth their effort.
The trait that would be most important for me to introduce to my grand daughter would be INTEGRITY. I would say to her as she grows~
When you live your life with integrity you have a life that works.
Integrity comes from the Greek words ‘integritas’ and ‘integra’ meaning whole. It enters into every aspect of your life. On occasion your decisions may be unpopular; however no one will doubt that you are living a life consistent with your values. They will know you as someone who keeps her word.
You will not be swayed by what appear to be your circumstances and you will always do what you know to do even when no one is looking.
You will develop into a person whose thoughts, words, and actions are congruent, and you will attract like minded individuals who look outside of themselves to see in what way they can be a contribution.
Although I don’t have children (not for want of much trying) I believe that we should teach our children empathy. When we can empathise with others, we see how our own behaviour may affect others, both positively and negatively. Knowing that by being independent we relieve others of burden, by loving ourselves we are loveable, by using manners we gain respect and co-operation. I could go on and on but it all boils down to empathy. To me this is the most important thing to teach children.
Adaptability.
Teach them how to use both sides of their brain. Once this is accomplished the rest will fall into place. Only one method that I know of on how to accomplish this. It is the Silva Method. silvalifesystem.com
Gratitude…
Respect. Respect for themselves and respect for others.
We need to awaken the gifts of character or the virtues that are in our children – bring out the best in them and ourselves and live to our highest values.
“Virtues,” as one six year old said “is what’s good about us.” When we develop those capacities then we have children who are polite, independent, have authentic self esteem, and who are healthy and happy. Our children have all within them to be the best they can be. We need to recognize and acknowledge their strengths and help them grow to be who they are meant to be.
I am a mother, grandmother and educator, who has discovered the Virtues Project and as well as teacing with this wonderful program, I now conduct workshops for parents teachers and community leaders, who work with children.
In response to your question – “What is the most important trait that we can teach/instill in our children?” First, we don’t need to instill anything in our children, but instead see what is already there, their virtues, and tell them what we see. Second, look for and build on their strengths, which honours who they are and calls them to their best selves.
Most important to understand before even starting the debate is that one instills by example rather than by teaching. How is it possible to instill some value without living by it oneself? One should raise children in such a way that they are empowered to bring out their own potentialities.
I have always tried to teach children, my own and others, to love, respect and value other people and other peoples skills. To ensure that they consider what other might think or how what they are about to do might affect others. To be honest in what they do and say, to stand true to their beliefs and values. To smile and be happy because this makes others happy. :)
Just a question: is it possible to instill at trait? Not sure that it is. What do other people think?
I agree with Adiaha.
There is only one important trait: LOVE.
All other virtues flow from that.
Pete :-)
Children should be instilled with honesty. First honesty to who they are and honesty in all they do or say. We the parents are the first instructors.
I like your blog very much – always interesting, although I don’t always get a chance to read everything. My children are grown, so I have shared this with them to help with the development of my beloved grands.
After thinking much about this, I believe resilience is probably the most important trait I would want to pass on. Being able to bounce back after mistakes, failures and being turned down is invaluable in a world where there is often so much negativity and harshness.
I always treated my children as “a whole person” with respect in regard to their individual needs. By being treated respectfully, they acquire manners and respect for others on the go. No need for tedious teaching. Stories and discussion were my tools of choice. That also taught them to become independent thinkers and problem solvers. Children are born with these skills, all we have to do is nurture them.
I raised 5 children (now 19-27) without
punishment and I am so proud of them! Though that doesn’t mean it was always easy, but always rewarding.
love of learning!
Hello Mellisa,
This is Shankar from India. I think that children need to be instilled with spirituality and God loving straits. This will help them to depend on their Inner selves than their ego minds.
Love and happiness,
Shankar.
I think the traits that will serve our children well throughout life – are those of being “giving” and being “grateful”. In our consumer generated “me” world, we have lost our connection to each other, to our neighbor and to mother earth. Without these two basic tenets, i fear we will never be re-connected to the Oneness from which we all come.
I think children should be taught kindness. Just simple, loving kindness. The Japanese have a wonderful word that sums it up: yasashii. It means, kindness, gentleness, caringness.
Of course, in teaching kindness, we must make sure children don’t always put others’ needs above their own and get taken advantage of.
Also, freedom is really high on my list. I think that freedom is best taught by example. Give your kids the freedom to experience a lot of things. Don’t restrain or try to control them unless it really needs to be done. Like anything else, it’s definitely a balancing act.
When I have children, I’m going to try my best to raise them to be kind, but strong… open and trusting, but not vulnerable… free, but respectful. Good judgment is definitely a priority, too.
Thanks for starting this debate.
Teach them self-esteem, to value themselves and the rest will follow!
To me the post important trait I would instill in my child/children is “peace” yes good old peace, peace, wonderful peace. Even the bible states, “if its all posible live peaceable with all men.” Peace covers every thing you name it, from a- z. Jesus says, my peace I live with you my peace I give unto you, beautiful another part of the scripture states, that if you take your peace to a home where there is no peace take your peace and leave. If peace is in the home stay and enjoy what is given to you, thats good to know. I would instil peace in my child/children.
Before I even saw your comment (Melissa), I had thought that if I had to pick the most important thing in the world to teach a child, it would be ‘confidence’. Confidence in yourself can take you very far in many aspects of life….love, respect, happiness, independence, values – and much, much more! Thanks for taking the time to help us think and focus on this. JP
A single trait? How about the idea of flip-sides to a single ‘coin’ model. I suggest that resilience and compassion be the necessary flip-sides to the same coin. Resilience encompassing self love, self esteem as well as inner strength and knowing, that will equip a child to handle anything constructively. Compassion which encompasses love and caring for the well being of others and for building great relationships and ultimately great communities. I believe from such a foundation other brilliant traits can’t help but spring, such as independence, good manners and a strong work ethic.
First and foremost? Responsibility. Children need to know that there are consequences for everything and they need to be okay with doing what needs to be done before they can go and do what they want.
Thank you, Melissa! This topic allows such a depth of exploration. I teach my children David, Juila and Nora Physical Immortality, the human birth right to live without death. It comes with an extreme value for their own bodies, spirits and soul as well as for other human beings and the responsibility to clean up the mess on this planet to create heaven on earth. Also, it includes the creativity to have a truly human environment every day that continuously supports the cellular regeneration of the body without any age limits. They know exactly why they are here and what their purpose is in life: To live every day without limits in the highest quality possible. Check this website (it is not mine) if you are curious: http://www.peopleunlimitedinc.com
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Balance
I agree with Adiaha but in a different order. I believe if children learn respect first, respect for themselves and respect for others then the next important step will be easier, To love themselves and love those around them. Value would be a side effect of the first two, and the beautiful world that they envision they will create.
Hi Melissa, thanks for your invitation to see your blog.
This topic was on the table today with my children. I have two boys, 8 and 10 years old, and coincidentially we were talking today regarding how they felt since their best freind always gets from his parents the latest toys, whatever there is.
Somehow it is difficult now-a-days, to make children understand that the most important thing you can give them is an healthy environment, sharing with their friends playing ball or any other game where they can, run, laugh, instead of being in front of a monitor playing.
I have spoken with several parents and they have this same problem trying to make their children understand that there is more valuable things to share with others without so many playstation, nintendo, …. devices, which somehow have separated families since each one is playing but in a virtual world and when they turn around they are totally alone.
So as I mentioned the most important trait to instill in children is how to appreciate and value the most important things in life such as a good friendship, based on love, principles, respect, loyalty and never ever to discriminate anyone regarding their condition.
And as I also agree 100% with Adiaha, children must be taught good manners and being polite to their fellow humans everywhere.
I believe that with a lot of LOVE and DEDICATION we can help them be great persons, since they are very smart and very eager to learn things.
Ely
Hi Melissa,
Of course there is more than one important trait.
In my opinion integrity is one of the most important values. Integrity implies being true to yourself but also being sincere and fair towards others.
How often are children taught not to listen to their own inner voice / intuition (because of course grown-ups know so much better) and so to distrust themselves? Moreover they might conclude from that that they do not really count.
How often are children taught not to be sincere or to give in to avoid conflict or other unpleasant consequences? This does not mean that we should be rude or do what we think is right – no matter what. We can share our opinion emphatically and respectfully (see Marshall Rosenberg’s books) and I blieve this world would be a much better place if there were more people who walk their talk.
Another essential trait is the ability to be really aware and conscious in the present moment so we truly live our lives instead of our lives being run by others or by circumstances. This happens so much more easily when we are in our minds, being run by old programs/memories or by fear of the future.
Kind regards
Ursula
Great post. I say “Trust Your Inner Guidance”
I decided to post a comment, and scrolled down. Reading Adiaha’s comment, I find I agree with it 101%. Children need to know that they are loved, valued and respected by those around them, and they need to learn to love , value and respect themselves. They are(as we all are), divine creations from the Creator, and must be treated as such. As parents we often inadvertently break down their self-esteem, which leads to a lack of self-confidence, and this is how they grow up to have no self-worth. I know, because as a child, I experienced this. Thanks for your blog, it is really good.
I feel that the most important thing to teach them is to listen to there emotions, their gut feelings, and to then use them to navigate through life.To appreciate what they have is a tough one but necessary. To be in a state of appreciation is something we could show them as an example. After all everything we do is the example they are getting, their programing. So whatever we want them to be we have to become it first.
You CAN teach them happiness — or at least the tools for attaining and keeping Happiness. The first is to create an awareness of how they are feeling at all time — since feelings are the body’s alarm system which alert you to when you are dwelling upon a “negative” thought. The second is teach them how to shift that thought to a more pleasant thought. There is a great book out there entitled Exercises In Happiness by Patrick MacMillan. You can read more about how he teaches happiness at http://www.Kidscandoanything.com
i think that selflessness is the most important trait to teach children. but there are so many other important traits and they all are important.
The Value of Values
http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/thevalueof...
People place greater emphasis on personal ambitions, than they do on the establishment of values within their children. By default, parents are teaching their children that values are secondary to making a living.
“The Value of Values” is a must read for every parent concerned about the direction of our society and the challenges our children will be facing.
Ed states: “we have three possible choices”.
1)“Do nothing different than that which we have been doing. Complacently accept things as they are and will be.”
2)“Hope that our leaders will guide society in the proper direction despite the fact that they place values second to ambitions.”
3)“Accept our personal responsibility to our children. Accept that real change is not passed down from leaders, but rather, it is driven up from the people. Accept the fact that we each have within us the ability to make things different for generations to come.”
“The choices we make today will determine the society of tomorrow.”
Possibly the most important trait to instil in children is attitude, which is nourished by correct thinking. Just allow the kid to have a warm and fuzzy inner world, be confident and develop at their own pace. Communicating with people, sport, education are all vital for health, happyness and development. So the kid's impression of being able to do them should be 'it's natural for me to be able to' – like eating an apple. It's without thinking. No one wonders if the apple that I will eat is or is not poisoned, or maybe has a worm…. If they can't do something too proficiently yet, perhaps it's worth considering whether toddlers learn to walk, as it is never doubted that they will. They persist….
Possibly the most important trait to instil in children is attitude, which is nourished by correct thinking. Just allow the kid to have a warm and fuzzy inner world, be confident and develop at their own pace. Communicating with people, sport, education are all vital for health, happyness and development. So the kid's impression of being able to do them should be 'it's natural for me to be able to' – like eating an apple. It's without thinking. No one wonders if the apple that I will eat is or is not poisoned, or maybe has a worm…. If they can't do something too proficiently yet, perhaps it's worth considering whether toddlers learn to walk, as it is never doubted that they will. They persist….
we have seen it all, respect , love, attitude, manners etc.
HI i am from India anf a father of 2 beautiful girls aged 7 and 3 years .
All of this will come from the family and school culture where the child is growing up. if a child is growing up i a broken family, i am pretty sure that they will not learn to love or beleive in a secure relationship.
What we need todays children to learn and embrace is to accept change without discouragement. we must accept that the world is less secure than it used to be both socially and economically. we can only be sane if we are able to cope up with change.
Rather than instilling something in them, I think the most important thing we can do for our kids is to allow them to be their authentic selves and encourage them to always be true to who they really are. We are here as parents not to tell them what to do, but rather to guide them to live from that place of authenticity and trust their own inner being. Obviously until a certain age they need us to help them discern certain things in this physical world but then we have to allow them to forge their own path, but also let them know that we will always be there for them and love them unconditionally.
To instill a skill within a person can only be done by a person him- of herself. To instill a skill, habit, thought, virtue, requires repetition so that it becomes ingrained or rather incarnated. What we can do as parents is to nurture the innate human potentialities such as love, love for learning, respect, tolerance, forgiveness, empathy, gratitude, acknowledgement, courage, acceptance, compassion, courtesy, honesty etc. etc., within our children by expressing these human traits ourselves repetitively. In this way our children have a picture of what all these potentialities look like. Because we know that children do as we do, not as we say, especially when they are small (0-3), and when they are small the soil is very receptive and undiscriminating and absorbs without filtering what is offered from outside. The period from 0-3 is when the seeds are sown. After this period whatever has been sown take root and will grow according to the information we give and have already given.
Parenting is always about ourselves, what we have learned and not learned . Being a parent requires that we reinvent ourselves again and again, because we can decide to take responsibility for ourselves, or rather our behavior towards our children. After all, our brains are supposed to have matured enough to do so. We need to understand and unlearn the things that we have learned that do not benefit our growth; investigate what we have learned and hold them against the light of knowledge and understanding. I believe that parents can stop the vicious circle of imitation of the past (do as it has always been done) by culturing within themselves the habits and principles they believe will benefit the welfare of everybody. In this way parents (and everybody involved with children) significantly contribute to carrying forward an ever advancing civilization.