“I’m on the cover of business publications and I’m worth millions. When is it going to be enough.”
There are many people who achieve all the trappings of success—success being defined as making a lot of money, fame, and power—who are miserable. The client I quoted above had achieved great business success but was a workaholic who didn’t know his kids, had basically no relationship with his wife (he was rarely home), had few friends and was in a constant state of anxiety. In fact, his need to be successful was so great that Saturdays, as he pulled out of his driveway to go to work, he would see his neighbor playing with his kids. He told me that he ached to do that but just couldn’t take the day.
A new book on parenting, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, by Amy Chua, is getting a lot of attention because the author claims that her approach to parenting will result in your children’s’ “success.” By success she means nothing less than an “A” in every class (she considers an A- a “failing grade”). She states that “if you demand excellence from your kids you’ll get it.”
While there is nothing wrong with achieving excellence (although no one excels at everything) is this really what makes life worth living?
The schools in Northern California were featured in a movie called “The Race To Nowhere.” The movie was produced by a mother who couldn’t understand why her children were getting stomach aches and didn’t want to go to school. She went around the country discovering children all over the country were being driven to achieve more and more, while having three and four hours or homework a night! There was a rash of teen suicides that were the result of kids not getting into a certain college or not doing well on the SAT’s. There was a moving story of one young girl who killed herself because she didn’t get an A.
What happened to childhood—to playing, imagination, having fun, and enjoying life?
When I ask parents what their young children want when they come home at night, virtually every parent says the same thing. Children want affection, attention and acknowledgment. Then I ask, “What is the one-word question every child asks all day long.” They all respond, “Why?” So if a parent is “publicly humiliating” a child and not providing affection, attention and acknowledgment, and the child is asking herself why mom is treating her that way, isn’t it reasonable that a young child would conclude mom’s behavior meant ‘There’s something wrong with me’ and ‘I’m not okay’? Make sense?
Another belief that gets formed when parents force their children to do things against their will and threatening them if they don’t, as Mrs. Chua advocates, is I’m powerless. This belief is more common than you would think and leads to depression, getting into relationships with dominating people, and an inability to stand up for oneself.
For over 20 years I have helped thousands of highly successful people from virtually every country around the globe handle the behavioral and emotional problems that were caused by precisely the kind of parenting that Ms. Chua advocates, many of whom were Asians with “Chinese mothers.”
Despite tremendous success in their achievements, these people have little joy in their lives. They need to keep proving themselves over and over again because they believe that their worth and value, their internal sense of being “good enough,” is a function of their achievements. And yet, no matter how successful they are, it’s never enough. It’s like a heroin addiction that keeps needing to be fed because the truth is, nothing we can achieve can ever make us good enough. Let me explain.
In the book Re-create Your Life, Morty Lefkoe (yes, my husband) writes “your beliefs about yourself and life, most of which are unconscious, totally determine your behavior, your emotions and ultimately your reality. And most self-esteem-type beliefs are caused by interactions children have with their parents before the age of six.”
Literally thousands of my clients have reported that when parents criticize them or got angry because they didn’t perform well, they concluded, “I’m not good enough.” When their parents got angry and withdrew from them, they concluded, “I’m not worth loving” or “I’m bad.” And when their parents withdrew from them in anger when they didn’t do what their parents demanded, they concluded, “If I don’t do what others want I’ll be unloved and abandoned.” These clients grew up with a fear of rejection and abandonment.
If you then praise them when they do perform well they will conclude “what makes me good enough or worth loving are my achievements”. They never feel whole or valued for being, so they are always driven to achieve.
Here is one case history that illustrates what I have been saying: Fred was second in command of a Wall Street firm. By conventional standards, he had “made it.” Nonetheless, he told me that when he was invited on the corporate jet with the CEO. “I felt like a waiter in a tuxedo.” His childhood beliefs made him feel undeserving of what he had rightfully achieved.
You see, his mother belittled him all the time when he was young and he concluded I’m not good enough. Then when he achieved something she praised him. So, now when he achieves something worthwhile, he feels “good enough” for five minutes, but the belief that he’s not good enough is still underneath. Fred lived in constant anxiety that someone was going to come into the firm and be better than him, or smarter.
The old saying that we are not “human doings,” we are “human beings,” is illustrated by the fact that at a funeral the eulogy never talks about the person getting straight A’s. Rather, they talk about who the person was. He listened, he was kind, he was a good husband or father, he laughed easily, he was warm and friendly and he always tried to help others.
I’m not good enough. Mistakes and failure are bad. If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected. I’m not capable. I’m not competent. I’m inadequate. What makes me good enough is having other people think well of me.
These beliefs come from being criticized and yelled at when not living up to parent’s expectations.
Too many parents don’t acknowledge their children for who they are. How many of us say to our children, “You are such a joy to be with.” “You light up the room when you walk into it.” “I get such joy out of seeing how kind or gentle or caring you are with your sister.” If we only acknowledge kids for what they achieve then that is all they will value themselves for.
Now you might be thinking, “But how will my child be motivated.” When my daughter Brittany was nine years old she became a competitive swimmer. My husband Morty and I were always on the deck as timers, so after one race she came over to us and said disappointedly, “I had a lousy swim.” To which Morty replied ,“I got it honey. You must be so disappointed because I know how hard you worked in practice.” She said, “Yeah.” He then said, “Honey, I know that competitive sports is about winning or personal bests but just remember, you are a good enough, important, competent kid who just had a lousy swim, and your worth and value is not a function of how fast you go across a swimming pool (or whether or not you get an A). I love you. Now go talk to your coach.”
Brittany is now 22 years old and goes to one of the top universities in the country and has done a Half Iron Man (1.3 miles swimming, 66 miles biking, finishing with 12 miles running!). She is highly motivated but her self worth is not a function of what she does or doesn’t do. A poor performance is reason to learn from the experience so she can do better next time, but it is not a reason to feel bad about herself, as is true for people who base their self-esteem on their accomplishments.
Blake, our other daughter, has a passion for surfing. She lives in Hawaii and works on a fishing boat in Alaska during the summer to support her lifestyle. She has traveled all over the world and has always financed her own trips. She is independent and knows her life is her great adventure. Blake is not worried about having to achieve but rather living a passionate life in which her achievements flow from her passion.
I think it is so important for us to look at why so many parents are concerned about how much their children “achieve.” I am as critical of Amy Chua’s equating success with high achievement as I am of the means she recommends to be successful. It’s not that that achievement isn’t desirable. It certainly is. But is it really desirable if our children are high achievers if they have anxiety attacks whenever they don’t achieve what they intended or they are unable to form lasting, nurturing relationships?
I believe that kids can become very successful people (by any standard) by being supported by their parents in an empowering and loving way.
.
When you leave this earth would you rather say “I got straight A’s in everything I did” or “I lived well, I loved well, I made a contribution, I had fun and am outta here!”
Love,
Shelly
Thank you for your insightful words. No matter what the tiger moms say they have some pretty unhappy kids at the end of all that pushing and shoving. Thank you for bringing reason and love and great ideas to the conversation.
Libby,
thank you for your comments. I so appreciate knowing that the message is getting out there.
Dear Shelly,
Happy is based upon what happens. Training a child to be functional and not a loud, obnoxious, spoiled bratt is important. It is embarrassing to see how Americans behave overseas sometimes. It is almost as bad as the French arrogance and ignorance.
Great article Shelly! I love this ending insight: “But is it really desirable if our children are high achievers if they have anxiety attacks whenever they don’t achieve what they intended…” If you look at adolescent drug and alcohol abuse, noted Harvard psychiatrist and expert in the field of adolescent chemical addictions, told me that he sees this kind of pressure in 1/2 of all the teen drug cases that comes through his door.
I agree totally Julia. So many of the clients I talk to all day long are very high achievers but driven and miserable because no matter what they achieve it is never enough.
The differentiation between success and failure is an arbitrary value judgement. Arbitrary value judgements and comparisons are the root cause of all human dissatisfaction.
Just throw away the notions success and failure and the self-fabricated problems they create dissolve instantly and effortlessly.
Nothing has meaning except the meaning we give it. There are miserable successful people as well as miserable unsuccessful people. There is the parent who works seven days a week to make ends meet and become successful and then there is the parent who works seven days a week for fear of failure or to maintain success. Which parent is right? Every seed has the potential to flourish if planted in the proper soil with the right nourishment or to wither away by the wayside. We have the potential to become great in anything we desire with focus. I know people who wished their parents were more demanding and some who state that their parents were too strict. I have no answer. There are many methods to raise a successful child and each method have their success stories. Each parent will choose which method they feel comfortable with and use it. If the method does not work they can change it.
I have raised a successful daughter ( I give the majority of the credit to her Chinese mom), who was given a great foundation until the eight grade and she continued on to excel in all of her studies and now is happily married and has traveled the world. She donates time to help those who want to become “successful” because it eludes them. She helps them with resumes, what subject to study, help them get job interviews and how to approach prospective employers. She does this because it was a privilege for her to get the support and direction that are lacking in many households. Who do you have to become to be a successful person?
Dear Hiram,
Thank you for articulating a thoughtful perspective. In terms of thoughts, values, beahviours and habits transmitted from an accountable and responsible parent in producing a responsible, equipped, prepared, citizen for the community, there are important decisions factored into what influences that child to function and operate productively in society. I consider it a crime if I have diabetes and I knowingly produce a child with diabetes, or pre-disposition to alcohol or to sexual deviance, criminality, or psychological problems, or lack of regulated emotional self-control. In fact, it is the duty and obligation of any man capable of impregnating a women to first ask; what is the 50 year impact of my choice. Am I merely instinctively breeding like a dog, or am I aware that the action that I am about to commit, is no accident, it takes volition and intention to consumate, and thereby I am personally liable to the community, to the school system, to the neighbors, to the prisons and the hospitals as to if this new human being under my responsibility is going to burden the society. If the man will not or cannot ask himself that question, then he does not have the right to replicate, becasue there is a chance that his DNA may behave in the same irresponsible and careless manner, causing grief and hardship to the other people (citizens) around him. Welcome to life school that matters. this is education, anything less is moma crying about how unfair it is. Mentoring matters.
Dear Ivy, If you want a mother from hell you can have mine. She is a poor excuse for any maternal skills. Other women should have told her NOT to produce children, not to beat them, not to put cigarretes on them, not to drink and fall on the floor, not to leave cold food on the table for breakfast, not to keep an unsafe house at screaming at us, pulling our hair, putting soap in our mouth. What I am saying is that older women MUST mentor younger women. No you may not do what feels good, or what you want all the time, or just feel free adn independent, such as; hunt down a man to pay your bills and pay for your house and kids. You must first ask, am I maternal marrigable material? Or for the good of society, I should not burden a man and children with my neurotic nature. For the good of society, women must recognize the power they have of preventing criminal minds, preventing perversion, preventing psychopaths, because it begins at home.
David,
I am truly sorry that you suffered so at the hands of your mother. I agree that not everyone should be a mom but not sure how to enforce this. If you go to http://www.thelefkoeway.com/belief you can eliminate a belief for free and if it helps there is a program called Natural Confidence that can really help offset what happened in your childhood. Thank you for sharing so openly with us. I know it makes a difference for people. Warmly, Shelly
I am thrilled to read your comments on Tiger Moms. I wholeheartedly agree. It is simple, logical and practical advice that ALL parents should take into consideration. We don’t need any more Children “left behind” from the STRICT and Ridiculously unbalanced school Standards out there. The schools do enough with this. The parents should be balancing their kids achievement push they get in school with LOve not more PUSH.
Straight A’s make a great person??? When saying it like this I hope people see how silly it really sounds. I like how you equated what people talk about when we are gone…straight A’s I think not. I should hope that this mother author rescinds her beliefs on this topic someday. Thank God for freedom of speech but speech AGAINST CHILDREN should be outlawed.
Our children are starving in Schools and at Home. They need a well balanced mental, emotional, spiritual and physical life. It takes a lot to raise a child. Let’s do it RIGHT and make our Children’s Future BRIGHT not BLEAK America!
Ivy,
Thank you for your wonderful comments.
warmly, Shelly’
You nailed it Shelly. We moved from Singapore to Canada because achievement is based on straight “As”. Our kids are doing so well here and are enjoying life to the fullest. They are musicians and have been doing quite a lot of charity concerts to raise funds for those in need.
Thank you Simon for sharing this with us. How inspiring your dedication to having human beings for children is (not human doings ;)). Thanks for making my day.
Warmly, Shelly
Hi again Shelly,
Loved this Blog post and really appreciated the opportunity to have you on the Happier Kids Now.com show last night.
My goal with my children (now both teenagers) is to get out of the way enough so that I can support and guide them toward being their “authentic selves” in the world.
Sure, I would like my son to go to this college or that college instead of the local state college he has chosen…and I would like him to spend more time being active then staying in his room playing video games…and I would like my daughter to have a clean room and do her chores “on command”…but I also consciously choose every day to do my best to support them and love them for who they are – not “what they do”…and to separate “what I want” from “what can I do that is of maximum usefulness to them as a parent/guide/role model and someone who loves them dearly?” Don’t get me wrong, I also practice self-care and self-love and we do have certain expectations in the home in terms of treating each other with respect.
But my goal is to guide them, as best I can, to learn to trust their “Inner Guidance” and I educate myself on “Happiness Skills” so that I can get better at it myself and be a role model for them.
Thanks again for all you do Shelly. You are a true inspiration.
Rhonda Ryder
Founder, http://www.HappierKidsNow.com and http://www.KidsAwakening.com
Yes! Great article. But it starts earlier. Please consider. We are already doing this when we push them to potty train, to wean, to be alone in a stroller (while we are on the phone even!) instead of in our arms, au naturalle or in a pouch which makes it easy) to be able to stop crying when they bump, to be able to handle alone time when they are very young, either in bed at night or even just during the day.
I have let my daughter have me and her feelings and a sense or her own readiness for all these events described above. She has, on her own time, accomplished all these tasks. She is close to me, she knows I am a guide and confidant, and yet…she enjoys each new independence when she is ready for it.
She is the best behaved kid in class, of her own choosing, she does well at what is asked of her, most of the time, and she has plans to have her own home, somewhere around the corner from us. She says she wants to make her own life, but be near us somehow, because of how much we enjoy each other. Now, her plans may or may not change over the years, but as a starting point, and a show of how our parenting has impacted her, I’d say we can happily call it “so far so good.”
I urge you not to be afraid to let your kids depend on you. You can just gently share with them that when they are ready, they can do all these things happily on their own. You can offer suggestions for the accomplishment of each new skill on the horizon, yet no pressure to get there at any particular time. What you will get is a child who enjoys the shifts to independence instead of stressing over them. You will also gain not just the new skills but the child’s growing capacity to initiate new skills from within, in a supported environment. There is nothing about growing up that your child can do to slowly. If you offer what she needs to succeed and encourage her (or him) to consider her or his own growth, in time you will have quite a self-care capable and joyful little person who loves you lots. You don’t have to go all the way to unschooling to become a gentle guide rather than an army sargent for your babe. Play with your kid so you are close. And instill in them a sense that you trust them, to take good care of themselves. Share with them, gently, in short repeats here and there, what you think good care includes. Scholastic achievement can absolutely be one of the things you suggest as good care. Love to hear anyone else who has parented this way or considers it now. Thanks, Flora
Flora,
Thank you for being a nurturing, loving and supportive parent and an inspiration to us all.
Warmly, Shelly
Thank you so much Shelley for your very wise and beautiful article. It helps the damaged kid in me, too! The misguided belief that belittling children for anything else than being perfect is now being practiced by sister towards her own. She put my brilliant, sensitive, expressive nephew into special ed because she concluded something must be wrong with him when he did not meet up to her standards, and he says things like “Follow the leader” when there’s a question and “I’ve learned to just say yes to everything”. She is a criminal, but what court will arrest her behavior? It is a nightmare, as it was for me my whole life.
Thank you Hannah for your honest comments. That this article helped is why I write it so thank you for sharing that with me. It is very meaningful to me.
Warmly, Shelly
Shelly, Great examples thank you. I hear the same thing from my clients. It’s clear we don’t have to raise or teach kids using methods that are painful to us or the children. If you haven’t seen it, you’ll probably find this recent Time article as inspiring and validating as I did:
Shelly, Great examples, thank you. I hear the same thing from my clients. It’s clear we don’t have to raise or teach kids using methods that are painful to us or the children. If you haven’t seen it, you’ll probably find this recent Time article as inspiring and validating as I did: Finland’s Educational Success? The Anti–Tiger Mother Approach
Sandy,
Thanks for the article. My kids went to an alternative school in Ct. and I believe that it made a profound difference in their lives. Oh to transform education! So, thanks for the inspiration.
We can only share what we have with our children and much of that is what was shared with us as children. Unfortunately, much of what was shared and is being shared is pretty toxic. “Tiger” parenting compensates for a deficiency in the parent’s self esteem: “I’m only good enough as a parent if my child achieves top ratings.”
As the father of a self-driven, sleep-deprived overachieving high school student, it’s my job to help him find a balance between dreaming, daydreaming and making dreams come true.
Amen David :). Well said.
Warmly, Shelly
Thanks for sharing with us your thoughts about this very important role we have and for taking time to analyse what Amy Chua is proposing in her book. We have three children, Carlos (18), Amy (16) and Derek (14), Olivia and I, have had a great job raising them and have had lots of fun. I used to be a workaholic parent and traveled all year long, I missed many of my children best moments in school and was never able to help them with homework or supervise their work. Fortunately my wife has been a wonderful mother and has put all the time she had to feed them well, help them with homework and be with them whem I was away. My children are now grown ups and are starting to show their talents, naturally. They have been very good students, and I am sure that if I had put more pressure on them, their grades would have been better, but I always tought that it is better that they get a “B” for themselves that an “A” because they were pressured by their parents. When the kid is really intelligent he does not need pressure from their parents, they need structure and schedule and firmness to help them make use of their time. I wonder what will be of those students when their parent is not there anymore to put pressure on them. When they are unable to teamwork because they were always lone wolfs, it is very sad to see a kid that is not able to be happy when achievement is all there is for her family.
Another subject which is very controversial is the attitude of many parents who made themselves through the ranks and were able to move up in the ladder of society. What is funny is to hear those same parents say: I am giving my kid everything because I do not want him to suffer all the lacking that I endured! – we are raising kids who behave like they can have all things without any effort from their side. I personally believe that kids need to have a challenge and not to have all things that easy, otherwise they never have the pleasure of achieveing something by themselves.
Certainly kids need to be put an eye on, no doubt, but let them do and work on their own and show that they are able to achieve anything by themselves and only to please themselves, not to please their parents. I had the fortune of being born in a family of nine children, we all had to work hard to get an education and to make a good living, Being in the best rank of my class was always a business of mine, my parents cheered of course, but it was all of my business what to do, to get a job and to keep going. I always thought what could have been of my life if my father have put his nose deeper in all I did. All I can say is I like the way it was, I was never pushed to become a doctor or a lawyer or anything, getting into engineering school was my pick and that was it.
Back to the subject I agree with you on the questionable effectiveness and usefulness of stressing kids to be perfect scores, what they need is more support and attention from us when they are still young, when they get to high school they are almost gone….so better enjoy them now. Just let them be kids.
As a teacher I wholeheartedly agree with your thoughts Shelly. I am always saddened when I see very young children showing extreme stress because they didn’t receive an “A”. I want my students to have some joy in learning — not just in the end result of one test.
(I am equally upset when I work with students who have no visible motivation and don’t seem to care — but that’s another subject!)
Susan,
I had tears in my eyes when I read this knowing that there are teachers out there getting this information. I have done trainings with teachers and I’d love to do more. Can you imagine if teachers thought about how the way they spoke to children had an impact!
The source of lack of motivation can actually be the same source. If they feel that they can never live up to expectations than why bother? Thank you for reading my blog and for your comments.
Warmly, Shelly
What is the defenition of success anyway? What is the defenition of achievemet? If success and achievement means A’s in school, a prestigous career, and knowing how to play 5 instruments, then maybe the Tiger Mother approach is the way to go. But if success and achievement means being a kind, loving, happy person, then the best way to do it is to be a kind, loving and happy parent.
Thank you Shelly.
Amen Brakha. And who says we can’t have it all! But I totally agree that the definition for success is a life worth living.
Warmly, Shelly
Shelly,
Loved your article; it really gets to the heart of what it means to be a parent. My parents of course did the best they could with the skills they had. My father was a logger and my mother an RN. I grew up extremely shy with little desire to push myself on anything I considered outside my comfort zone. In fact, I suffered panic attacks as a result. And I wasn’t the best parent, either, as I continued this benign neglect. Both my children have learning problems when I had expectations of them doing well in school. When my eldest son was in 7th grade, I finally pulled him out of school and homeschooled him and his younger brother. I feel guilt esp. about how my oldest son, Tony, is still at home with no job, no GED or graduation, few friends, and what a therapist calls “low level depression”. Still, I did eliminate the beliefs on the Natural Confidence program and gained some valuable tools from Morty’s Occurring Course. I wish I’d had more mentoring from older women who “knew the ropes” before my children were grown. I am going to do what I can now to help him see that he has worth just because he “is”.
Thank you!
Love and Light,
Lauren
Lauren,
thank you for your comments and for using your our work well. Spread the word.
Warmly, Shelly
Thank you Shelley for your post. I haven’t read Amy Chua’s book and I don’t think I ever will without getting a bellyache myself. You’re right, there’s nothing wrong with being “driven”, but the big difference is whether it’s being done through passion or fear. Through passion, there’s a great feeling of inner accomplishment that radiates from us. Through fear, nothing will ever be enough and while it looks like we’re going up, we’re actually going down. I listened to your audios – The Lefkoe Way and I’m so glad it validated my belief that I’m on the right path with my children. Thank you! :-)
I love your message. I studied semantics many years ago and learned that we think as inner dialog in our native language. The English language encourages thinking and speaking in dichotomies – either/or – success or failure. As parents we can fear failure – for ourselves as parents and/or for our kids in their lives. Your message transcends dichotomies. Many parents do not see the “big picture” and are focused on a child’s behavior in the moment. They lose sight of the paramount importance of relationship with their child, the importance of beliefs they are instilling and the opportunities to teach and develop emotional and social intelligence in a loving, caring, understanding way. Another dichotomy, I am the boss and have to prove it or lose control over my child is a real booby trap. In expressing these parental beliefs, many parents believe they have to correct their children’s mistakes and do everything possible to keep them from making mistakes. I remind my grandson that mistakes are an opportunity to learn. That Edison apparently said that he never had a failure, just many learning experiences. I also use every opportunity to remind him when he has said, “I did that wrong,” that no, he just did it differently. A child with positive beliefs has resilience and is willing to try. We help them find internal motivation, resourcefulness and a framework for happiness. And, we have to help them discover their talent, what they can be passionate about, and do our best to put them in a learning environment that encourages that as well as their learning style. We can either discover who our child is and help that child develop his/her unique purpose here, or force our beliefs and expectations as to who they should be. Thanks again for your key insights and helpful suggestions in encouraging the former.
Your grandson is very very blessed to have you as a grandfather! Thank you for your amazingly insightful comments.
Warmly, Shelly
Thanks for your comments on the damage that can be done by overwhelming parents who demand ‘success’ from their children. I see this as a form of child abuse and believe that many cases of adult depression originate with messages given to children by their parents. Sometimes these messages are received when the child is extremely young (eg during potty training) and they continue with approval only being given when the parents’ own egos are massaged by their child demonstrating through achievements visible to others that he/she has highly intelligent parents. Unfortunately what it really shows is that the parents are not intelligent enough to understand that what they are creating is an unhappy and ultimately unfulfilled child.
Linda,
Thanks for your comment and While I agree with everything you said, I believe that it’s parent’s beliefs and a lack of training that underly this behavior rather than intelligence. We can be ignorant about parenting but very intelligent. I liked the ego messaging though. Well put.
Nice one and it is true that the children needs your support to do every small things they learn more about your activities when you work with them or play with them. Some times also they teach you batter and you have only option to accept it. Thanks